Dearly Departed
by kbbandgirl
Summary: Kanda's life changes dramatically when Allen fakes his own death to avoid persecution.  When he returns five years later, will Kanda be able to forgive him? AreKan
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own only my imagination, my camera, my sewing machine... anyway, DGM is not mine I lack the fine motor skills to draw anything besides costumes.

A/N: I usually write Yullen, but this one won't work like that. It's going to be a long one. (The next chapters of my other stories should be up soon.)Warnings: faked character death

The stained-glass window blocked out most of the light from the full moon leaving the room swathed in shadows. All that was illuminated was a thick pool of viscous liquid dyed a venomous green by the "tree of knowledge."

Two cloaked figures stood in the center of the room, their heads bowed in silence and regret. A broken form lay at their feet.

Finally the taller figure spoke, his gruff voice filling the space, "Allen, let's go."

The shorter nodded, "Yes master."

With a snap, the window shattered inwards and they disappeared out into the night.

Xxxx

Lavi found their bodies shortly after dawn, when he came to bring them breakfast. Cross was slumped over his chair with an open book and a half full glass of wine on the table next to him. His face was relaxed, almost peaceful. Except for the gaping wound on his chest, and the fact that he was covered in blood, he almost looked like he was sleeping.

Allen was worse off. He lay in a crumpled heap on the dusty stone floor. His parasitic arm was outstretched and looked as if most of the bones had been broken. Blood stained white hair covered Vis face, and his other arm hid what was surely a deep gash in his abdomen.

There was something a little off about the scene, but Lavi couldn't place it. Despite all his training, Allen had been his friend.

He knew that he should contact Central immediately, but he went to get Kanda instead.

Xxxx

Nothing had been the same since Allen had died. Lenalee wandered aimlessly, weeping occasionally when she thought she was alone. Lavi's smile no longer reached his eyes and Kanda… well it was complicated. At first, he had seemed shell shocked, now his angry outbursts had returned to normal levels, but there was no passion in it, no fire. No one said anything.

There was a cloud hanging over the whole order, even months later, the cafeteria was too quiet and the forest seemed too still.

No one who joined the order afterwards could understand it, people died all the time, why were these two so special?

A/N : Should I keep chipping away at this one, or should I start another (a Yullen) and divide my attention between the two?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: In case it wasn't clear before, this story begins shortly after the whole 14th thing begins.

Lately Allen was amazed at Cross' magical abilities, something that he'd never really paid attention to as a child. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to have a talent for that sort of thing himself. Even if he did crack the basics, it would be hundreds of years before he could even dream of making some old skeletons from the science department look like freshly dead bodies. He found it funny that his master, who placed a lot of value on book learning, logic and science, was capable of such amazingly odd feats.

That had been a few months ago now. He missed the order dearly but he knew that nothing good could come from going back. So instead, he would follow his master around the world, completing their missions in secret.

During the day it wasn't so bad. When things were slow, Allen would pick up odd jobs or be forcibly homeschooled by his grumpy mentor. It was night that was troublesome because it was so lonely. Cross was always off somewhere drinking and as soon as the boy had gotten used to people and made friends it was time for them to move on again.

It was as if he really had died, people who he had met previously while on missions had no idea who he was. Not that he could blame them, he barely recognized himself. After all pretending to be dead is impossible if you run around undisguised. To combat this Cross had cut his hair short (like Lavi's when it isn't spiked) and had taken to wearing suits or a deep green turtleneck and slacks. Somehow the difference was outstanding. Allen had had to go even further; wearing makeup to hide his scar and dying his hair and eyebrows a soft black. He was glad that no one stared at him anymore, but he felt like a completely different person.

He missed the others dearly. He wondered what they were up to: if Lenalee was holding up okay, if Lavi was still driving people up the wall, what kind of food Jerry was making, if the science department was still standing… and Kanda… he thought about Kanda a lot. He hadn't wanted to hurt his friends, or to lose his home, but this way he was still around to protect them at least a little.

Cross and Allen were currently making their way around China. Timcampy was with them too… in a manner of speaking. When Allen had asked Tim to stay behind and watch over the others he had simply split into two.

Xxxx

Meanwhile the other Tim had adopted Kanda as his new owner. Kanda had hated it at first, thinking that he was being haunted, but he had grudgingly grown to accept it. Lenalee claimed it was because he had been closest to Allen, he didn't believe her but if he had argued she would have started crying again. He didn't do well with tears.

A/N: I know it was a short update but there is a time skip ahead and I'm currently working full time while going to university full time (and I've gotten into my advanced coursework). I'll do my best to update every other week, but at this point I really can't make promises.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry finals are killing me… Hopefully I will get more writing accomplished over the summer but I'll still have two jobs. This is a tie over chapter the next should be much longer.

It had been almost a year. And yet Kanda was still having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that Allen was gone. After all, Allen had survived numerous times against seemingly insurmountable odds.

"Gone" yes, that was the word they tended to use, not "dead," never "dead." Kanda couldn't even bring himself to think it even though he had seen the body himself. If anyone had asked him why, he would say that it upset Lenalee (which was true but just a side effect).

No one really talked about Allen anymore, it should have made him upset but he wasn't; he knew they all missed the kid.

He hadn't expected to care, and it pissed him off. He was used to people dying on him, it happened all the time. He was unaffected when Finders and civilians dropped like flies, so why should one little brat be any different? He should have been over it before now, but in a weird way he was glad he wasn't. Perhaps it proved that he was a decent person; or that, regardless of what else he was, he was still human.

For the last few months he'd done his best to keep thoughts of the Moyashi out of his head, with varying degrees of success… but it was almost Christmas. No one was in a festive mood this year. No one wanted to celebrate hat should have been Allen's 17th birthday.

Meditation wasn't helping as much as it used to since too much time had passed to pretend that Allen was just away on some long mission. The only way he could get true peace was to train until he blacked out from exhaustion.

His ownership of Tim made it worse still. Every time the golden golem would zip around the corner it seemed like Allen would be close behind. It was like the brat was haunting him. He wished he hadn't been so mean to the boy, but it didn't mean he was more pleasant to anyone else. On the contrary, he was even worse than before… not that anyone really blamed him.

Xxxx

Allen was surprised when Cross remembered his birthday on his own (without Christmas decorations everywhere). He was even more shocked when his master, in lieu of a present taught him how to check up on his friends at the Order by communicating with the other Tim.

They couldn't see him of course, that would be safe for either party, but he could watch them. The first thing he saw was an image of Kanda sleeping.

A/N: I advise taking International Economies, International Marketing, Global Business and Contract Law, Calculus 3, Technical Writing, Inorganic Chemistry, Intermediate Mandrin Chinese and Federal Tax Law all in the same semester, especially if you're working too… I'm dying.


	4. Chapter 4

Allen grew accustomed to using Tim to check on the others once a week. He mostly saw Kanda, since he was the "owner" of Tim's doppelganger. It was bittersweet but at least he knew his friends were relatively all right.

Time continued to pass, one day after another.

Xxxx

On one occasion, Allen had spotted Lenalee in Rome. He'd had trouble refraining from rushing over and hugging her. She had not seen him. She wouldn't recognize him even if she had. Apart from long dyed hair, contacts and makeup, Allen had grown a good seven inches and was almost as tall as Cross. He'd gained a bit of muscle as well in the lean, sinuous way that you often find on gymnasts. In fact he had been fairly certain that he could introduce himself to her and she still would believe, even his voice had changed.

Lenalee had been beautiful, as she always was, but even at 17 Allen still hadn't thought of her that way. It had bothered him a little at the time, as he had always just assumed that he would grow into it...

At 17 he had been hormonal, even though he was very adept at hiding it and there were several people that he was physically attracted to. He had slowly become accustomed to the fact that Kanda was one of them, not that it mattered. Kanda had hated him. Would surely hate him even more if they ever met again.

Xxxx

Near June of Allen's 18th year, Cross had found a host for one of the innocence that they had obtained on their travels. Of course, since they were supposedly dead sending the boy to the Order would be highly unwise. As such, Cross decreed that 14 year old orphan Conrad would be Allen's apprentice since he was tired of training idiots.

Conrad was a shy, timid little thing. He loved to read and learn new things. He was fond of Allen and absolutely adored when his master would tell him stories about faraway lands. Cross on the other hand scared the bejeesus out of the kid but he was also in awe of the general's intellect and knowledge which helped to temper the fear a little.

Conrad was a weapon type whose innocence had been crafted into a bow that created its own arrows. Allen had enough knowledge of archery to be getting on with, and the boy was a quick study. He also taught him acrobatics and acting, among other things. All in all Allen tried to pass on as much knowledge as he could about every subject he could think of. Obviously when it came to fighting akuma, the subject of the Order came up a lot. Every time it happened Allen felt guilty that because of him Conrad was essentially an outcast who would never be able to meet the others.

Xxxx

Conrad loved hearing about the other exorcists as well as the hijinks of the science department. He knew that he could learn a lot from both groups, but he also knew that meeting them was not possible, at least for the time being. Allen got this wistful look on his face whenever he talked about the friends he had been forced to leave behind, especially when it came to one named "Kanda" even though he had always described him as a hateful jerk. Though Allen had made it seem like they would be fugitives forever General Cross had implied on a few occasions that they might be able to return eventually. Conrad hoped that it was true, as a child orphaned by akuma he knew what it was like to lose the ones you loved.

Xxx

Sometimes Kanda found it hard to believe that Allen had ever existed at all. No one mentioned him anymore and Lenalee had gotten over her crying jags, as far as he knew anyway, though her smile was strained at times. Lavi had sealed the majority of his true emotions away under the pretext of bookman training, though he still flawlessly acted the part of the cheerful idiot. There were new finders and exorcists, some of whom had never even heard of Allen. It was unfathomable and as much as he wanted to inform them, he couldn't do it without seeming like he had some sort of obsession. So he kept his mouth shut and he hated them. He hated them for not knowing, for not thinking of Allen countless times a day despite their best efforts and for not having regrets where Walker was concerned. They left him the fuck alone.

Kanda had found himself missing even the traits of Allen that had annoyed the fuck out of him.

Xxxx

That Christmas Kanda had found himself venturing out in the middle of a blizzard to visit the one place he had refused to go for the last few years, Allen's grave. Since the bodies had been cremated, it was more a memorial than anything really, though the ashes had been scattered there. As he traced the inscription with his frozen fingers, he finally allowed himself to accept that Allen was gone. The snow hid his handful of tears. He had snapped back to reality when Tim had nuzzled against his cheek comfortingly, but he had stood there for two more hours remembering Moyashi and all the things he should have done differently.

Years ago, he had accepted the fact that he thought of Allen in a way that he had thought of few others. It had horrified him, not the thoughts... well feelings really, as much as what would happen if anyone found out. Lavi would never have stopped teasing him about it, Lenalee would have been forever giving him advice and Allen would probably have been too freaked out to speak to him again.

He had decided to wait and see what would happen as Allen got older: if they would become friends, enemies, if Allen even liked men. Of course, Allen had been completely oblivious which had tended to piss him off. Yes, he had been a bastard to the boy but it was who he was and a bit of infatuation wouldn't change him.

He hadn't gotten the chance to express his intentions, hadn't been ready, would surely never be ready now. He still wasn't sure what his intentions had been except that it was more than physical attraction, he had wanted them to be friends.

It didn't matter anymore. He would never have the chance; never know if there had ever been any hope.

Xxxx

Allen had been having a pretty amazing 19th birthday, his best since he had gone into hiding. Conrad had made him a cake and Cross had said he'd done a pretty good job with the boy, which coming from his master was high praise indeed. However, his day had been effectively ruined when, after dinner, Tim had nudged him into another room and shown him the sad and almost tender way that Kanda's fingers brushed his headstone.

When he reentered the kitchen twenty minutes later to help with the dishes, his swollen, red eyes immediately gave his carefully schooled expression away. Cross didn't say anything, Conrad followed his lead but spent the rest of the evening trying to cheer Allen up.

Every night after that when he laid down to sleep that scene flashed through his head. It haunted his dreams. The possibility that maybe, if he hadn't been so blind, he and Kanda could have been friends. That if the 14th hadn't fucked with his life or he had grown up a little faster there could have been something between them. True, he had been 17 before he even knew he wanted such a thing be he had always wanted them to be friends. He never knew that Kanda might have felt the same way.

A/N: Sorry for taking so long to get this done. I'm currently also working on my other unfinished fics but between work, school and my health issues I can't make any promises right now. I can say that this fic will contain a reunion in the next two chapters. Sorry for all the time skips but I don't have the stamina for the original 27 chapters that I had outlined.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I know I'm ignoring the 14th... but I every time I bring him in things go weird or boring. Thank you to Kohikari for reminding me of a few important plot points that I meant to put in the last chapter, but forgot.

Komui doubted that Cross and Allen were really dead. Over the past few years finders had been deployed to several towns only to discover that the mysterious phenomena that they had been sent to investigate had disappeared and the townsfolk had no idea what had happened. In addition, there was usually a day or two missing from their memories.

However, he had no proof. He wouldn't go looking for any either. After all, if his suspicions proved correct he would probably be obligated to tell Central. So he ignored the rumors of two, later three, mysterious travelers in the area (besides no one remembered seeing them in the town themselves) and large swaths of destroyed forest. He also ignored the fact that General Cloud was bringing in twice her usual amount of innocence. Hevlaska had confirmed that the pieces of innocence recovered from the scene had "belonged" to Cross and Allen. The fact that Maria's innocence as well as a few of the other pieces of innocence that Cross had carried with him were unaccounted for had been overlooked by Central's investigators.

Allen was a good kid. Lenalee had been fond of him, if he died all over again it would only be more difficult for her. If however, the situation blew over or was eventually resolved and he was allowed to return, then she would be thrilled.

Luckily Central never brought the case up again, so he never had to lie.

Xxxx

Allen had reached a point where he would to almost anything to see Kanda's face again in person, the key word being "almost". The fact that Kanda would probably murder him didn't bother Allen as much as the fact that if he was discovered Kanda would be in serious trouble. He couldn't allow that to happen. Especially since Kanda probably didn't want to see him anyway. He couldn't put Kanda, Cross and Conrad in danger through his selfish actions.

Xxxx

Time continued to pass and Allen faded into the back of Kanda's consciousness. Still ever present, but the pain was a constant dull ache rather than a sharp thing for him to constantly cut himself on.

Cross was the same as before though a bit more restrained so that they wouldn't be caught. Conrad was quickly growing into a handsome young man. He was much more sure of himself now, though he still stuck to Allen's side as much as possible. They had a good and easy rapport between them, most people assumed that they were brothers. A few interpreted their relationship differently, and completely incorrectly, but those people were simply ignored.

Xxxx

Just when they had lost hope, It happened, Levillie, The Bastard... was dead. Natural causes. His replacement had recognized that Allen had not actually done anything and posthumously forgiven the boy. It didn't mean they were in the clear... but it did mean there was a chance... that they could go back, have lives again, not have to hide, see friends, see Kanda. Kanda. Allen hadn't checked on him in months, it hurt too much, wanting something he knew he might of had but that was now forever out of his reach...unless... He knew that even though Kanda might have liked him once, despite all evidence to the contrary, he would have moved on by know. He must have. Allen had instructed Tim's clone to alert him if anything bad happened to Kanda. Anything more made him feel like a stalker, especially since he'd accidently seen Kanda in the shower. That had been an... experience.

Four months later, it was time, time to test their luck. Their best chance for getting back in.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: To answer a few questions: The innocences that Hevelska identified as belonging to Cross and Allen were not Crowned Clown and Judgment, but rather other innocences that they had had in their possession for a long time. She was asked who owned them, not who their hosts were. Allen is 22, Conrad is 17 and Cross is ... immortal?

Different. Allen looked different without the hair dye and contacts that he'd grown accustomed to. Yet he was still a far cry from the boy he'd been at the Order. They would probably only recognize him by his scar.

He was just an inch or two shorter than Cross now and his hair cascaded down to the small of his back as it had been when he'd been effected by that hair tonic. Even his face had changed , losing its boyish roundness, he actually had a jaw line now. His scar remained the same.

Conrad was right by his side and had been ever since they had found him. He knew that Allen was nervous and was determined to reassure him in every way that he could. To that end he clung to Allen like a shadow, looked at him without concealing his adoration (for his older brother figure) and called him master. His idea was that this would make Allen seem strong and kind. Not like a coward who had run to save himself, but like a hero who'd done what he needed to so things could turn out for the best.

They didn't announce their arrival ahead of time, wanting to be able to back out if things went badly or were suspicious.

They got off the train with great trepidation, dressed in civilian clothing, as they had been for the past six years (Allen's eye eliminating the need for uniforms).

Komui was alerted as they approached headquarters but he said and did nothing, leaving the decision in their hands.

The gatekeeper posed little resistance, and so it came to be that our trio of brave adventurers strolled into the cafeteria in the middle of Lenalee's birthday party.

The silence was immediate and deafening. It stretched on for what seemed like ages, finally broken when Conrad put a hand on Allen's arm and said, "It's okay Master, I'll always be happy to see you."

A second later a crying Lenalee rushed over and threw her arms around Allen's neck.

Most of the room came to their feet and surrounded the trio, peppering them with questions and welcoming them back. Others, who looked unfamiliar to Allen, remained seated with quizzical expressions.

Kanda, who had been shocked at first and then smirked a little, left the room with a strange expression on his face.

Xxxx

Allen was pleased to see those who were present (Lavi being away on a mission) and liked being introduced to the new exorcists. Even so, the second he could he slipped away in an effort to find Kanda. He had so many questions and he didn't want things to go back to the way they had been before. Lenalee went with him since she was still catching him up on everything that had happened in his absence and of course Conrad followed him like a duckling.

The fact that they could also use the search to find rooms for the two was an additional bonus (Cross being given general's rooms).

Allen wasn't very picky about the type of room he wanted, so long as it had a bed and was relatively close to the cafeteria, but Lenalee wanted to show him all of his options and he obliged her.

Xxxx

Kanda followed them secretly and silently, hardly believing his eyes and ears. Allen was alive? Surely it must be a hallucination, maybe he'd finally gone crazy.

But he didn't look quite the way that Kanda had imagined him... he looked older, sexier. The change was remarkable... but the most surprising thing was that Kanda wasn't pissed at him. A little upset sure, but he was mostly just happy that Allen was alive. He was ecstatic... he had fled to stop himself from doing something stupid, like maybe kissing him. That would have been a bad idea, he still didn't know if Allen even...

And he had that damn apprentice glued to him. Kanda had already developed a deep and profound hatred for the boy. He was too close to Allen, both physically and emotionally. Just from watching their body language you could tell that they trusted each other and were comfortable together. Something that Kanda had never achieved, had never tried to achieve.

He thought that if he had, aside from the fact that it wasn't his nature, Allen would never have seen him as more than a friend. Or he'd be rejected or not know how to behave and fuck everything up. And if someday, Allen had ever come to him for advice on Lenalee... he'd probably go on a murderous rampage.

He hadn't wanted friends, wouldn't know what t do with them. He was a bastard, nothing would change that. If...IF someone could accept him, he wouldn't know how to treat them. But that didn't mean that he hadn't wanted anyone, especially Allen to try.

Allen had tried. Allen had been doing so well. He'd started to chip away at that wall... but that was before he had run off. Kanda understood why, but he was still pissed.

No one else had tried, he hadn't let them. Lenalee was the exception, but she was like a sister to him. Lavi was more an annoyance than anything, or he had been , now he was basically emotionless but still annoying.

Allen was different. But maybe it was too late.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Sorry for the wait. Work, final exams, group projects and just university in general is killing me.

Allen wanted, more than anything, to run up to Kanda and explain. To confess. That he hadn't wanted to leave, that he hadn't realized, that he had never stopped thinking about him.

But he wouldn't, he couldn't do that now. Kanda didn't seem very angry with him, mildly vexed sure, but when wasn't he? It was true that Kanda always slipped off before he could but he would probably get over it.

In the meantime, he showed Conrad around the Order and went on medium level missions.

Xxxx

Kanda felt like a stalker, almost constantly watching Allen from the shadows or out of the corner of his eye (and he was pretty sure that Lenalee was catching on). He knew that Moyashi wanted to speak with him, but it couldn't do it, especially not in public. He was so sure that he would do or say something embarrassing. Allen wasn't a complete idiot, surely he would realize... and he'd probably be horrified. Just because Allen had wanted to be friends, that didn't mean...

And he had that thing, that evil apprentice, who he probably liked more than anyone... and who wasn't objectively bad looking. Surely if he liked guys at all then...

No, he wouldn't think about that. He couldn't. Suddenly, as much as he didn't want to know, he had to. It was critical to his sanity. Perhaps some eavesdropping was in order.

Kanda approached Allen's room cautiously.

Xxxx

Conrad and Allen were sitting across from each other at the little table in Allen's room, having met there for what Conrad had deemed a "serious discussion." The boy seemed nervous but Allen wasn't quite sure why.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"Well master, it's a little embarrassing but have you ever really liked someone and not known how to say so?"

"Erm, I suppose so."

"How did you end up telling them?"

"I never did... I realized too late."

"So you couldn't tell them because you didn't know? How did you figure it out? Did they like you back?"

"Yeah, after I left I couldn't stop thinking about them... er, I mean...yeah. I think so, but I doubt I'll ever really know."

"Oh, okay then. Um, what sort of things does Lenalee like?"

Xxxx

Kanda left to go murder a poor defenseless tree. So Allen did like someone, but it sure as hell wasn;t him because there is now way he could have known...

So then who was it? Clearly not Lenalee... Lavi still wasn't back yet, so maybe he was the one... if so Allen would be sorely disappointed. Plus Kanda would end up killing Lavi for breaking Allen's heart.

But maybe it wasn't Lavi after all... it could be any of a number of female exorcists, finders or scientists. He didn't know which would be more painful, to be discounted entirely as even being a possibility or to have a chance and not make the cut.

When he finished "training" that are of the forest looked as if a bomb had gone off.

Xxxx

Allen sighed, he wanted to get close to Kanda, he really did, but he was actively being avoided.

Cross knew exactly what he was up to and would alternately chuckle at his failures and slap him on the back and tell him to be a man.

Actually, it seemed like half the order knew or suspected... and if they all knew then maybe Kanda knew too. It would explain a lot, including the fact that Kanda would stare at him occasionally but he was caught he'd look horrified.

Xxxxx

Conrad had also noticed and he'd decide that setting his master up with the scary samurai would give him a good excuse to get close to Lenalee.


End file.
